I am repeating myself in this post to emphasis a great point, one that -again- I can't claim as my own.
A young mom in our ward found herself in the same situation we all do, frustrated and wondering how her child made it through the day in one piece. She confided over the pulpit that she had made the mistake of putting her child to bed in anger. She tucked her little one into bed with a laundry list of his wrong doings and turned out the light in a huff.
Half way down the hall she heard his tiny voice calling, "Mommy, what about the rights?" In confusion she turned back and asked him to explain. "What rights? What are you talking about?" Her little boy replied that she had told him all the things he did wrong, would she tell him the all the things he did right before he went to sleep?
At this point, her eyes filled with tears and she realized she had sent her child to bed without knowing any of the good things he had accomplished that day. He felt like a failure in his mommy's eyes, unsure of his place, unsure that he was loved. I fear that we all have been in that same position some time during our mothering careers.
I was very humbled to hear this story, feeling my own guilt and wanting to be better. Isn't this a grand idea? She repented right then and there and decided that every night he would be tucked into bed, no matter the prior experiences of the day, with a laundry list of things done right. She admits that the list can be difficult to fill some days, "You were the very best at breathing today!" "You kept your shoes on all the way through lunch!" and other such good deeds. The thing is, he went to bed feeling loved by his mommy.
I don't believe we need to coddle our children, to let them win each time, to take them to every event they are invited to or make sure their life is fair in every way. They need to learn and experience life. However, they should always feel safe when they lie down at night. They should always feel love before they go to sleep.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
A Nice Bedtime Story...
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5 comments:
Wow!! This really made me think. What a great idea. I have had a few nights like that myself. I'm going to make sure I do that every night with my kids! Thanks for the sweet comments on my blog. I'm so glad that you left a comment because I was able to go to yours. I don't want to have to be rushed reading your other posts so I'm going to come back when I have some time. It looks like there are a lot of great ideas!
Heywood! Welcome! Thanks for stopping by, I was very excited to see your comment and hope that you'll come by knotinthestring also (i'm there most every day...this blog is pretty much just this page!) But anyway, yea! Thanks so much! See you soon, say "hey" to your family for me!
Hello,
Don't know if you are still around. I like your idea a lot for so many reasons. I have a slightly different problem and was wondering if you would handle it the same way or if you have another idea.
My 2 daughters are very well behaved (ages just turned 9 and almost 12). And they would never think to tell me no or purposefully not do something I told them to do. Our problem is with negotiating.
They often jump up and do what I say right away. But just as often, if they think they have a better idea, or are not sure they agree with what they have to do or if they want to just finish what they are doing or do it a few more minutes, they will begin to question and negotiate. Never with bad behavior or whining. But nonetheless, it means that about 50% of the time (or what feels like that) there is no first time obedience. I am constantly having to explain myself.
I think that is okay to some extent. It is okay to have some exceptions and it is good that they learn to think things through. But somehow, somewhere, it doesn't feel right that they are always questioning me. If they cannot submit to my authority, I fear they will always be questioning God's.
What would you do?
Anon it sounds like so far so good with the girls- congratulations! You are right they probably are just growing up and testing (consciously or not) their own abilities to make sound decisions. This is a good thing, you want them to make their own decisions and be able to figure out life. This is the goal of parenting! That said you also need them to respond to your requests in a timely manner; not just doing chores but for safety's sake.
i.e. You see something dangerous they do not and ask them to immediately move or run or do the hokey pokey...if they don't they could be smacked by a falling piano, bitten by a spider or miss out on a great moment...whatever. You want them to obey quickly.
This happened to us and I fell right back into the habit of negotiating for a bit. We decided to have another family meeting and reteach/review "why" we as parents needed them to trust our requests and to act immediately. (kids really need the "why" answered...a lot! Just wait until you get to dating and sex...you'll need that "why" card over and over!) During the meeting we allowed them to talk and tell us why they felt they should be allowed to negotiate. We listed the ideas on paper and then went over the ideas. We also pointed out Gospel examples, such as Jonah, who procrastinated the Lord's request and had to learn the hard way "Just Do It". This is a key you hope they learn:
-->"Life is ALWAYS easier (especially in the long run) when we submit to God's will."
(Give them real life, current examples of people who have an easier life *because* they have follow God, and also examples of people they personally know who continue to challenge God's will and as a result seem to have life with a bumpier road. Point out "easier" doesn't mean money or cool cars, but *real* joy, *real* heartache [perhaps the way someone has dealt with death with/without God], *real* success with trials. Kids need to know trials are blessings and not punishments from God. We punish ourselves or receive blessings by how we act or react to trials.
-->casually, but consistently point out the good and bad examples as a matter of fact.)
Now, the deal here is that eventually your kids *will* defy you, challenge you, get to a place where they will *have* to decide whether everything you have taught them is truth or just a nice thing and they can find something better that suits their needs more effectively. You had to do that, I had to do that, it's part of being fully responsible for our own actions
(-->and not being able to say anyone "forced" them- *they* chose for them self). It is part of the Lord's plan for us to be independent of our parents. (Think how independent you are from God... more of a spiritual dependence,but God always has you make the decisions, right?)
-->The Lord will never force anyone to Him or into to Heaven...and you can't either.
Continue to follow the Lord's example. Love them through their struggles and trials. If they begin to wander a bit let them fail as the Lord allows us to fail...with love and a way to repent and come back. Never shut the door completely.
continued....
...continued
You can ask the girls to please get the dishes done before 7 tonight. They may ask if they can leave it until after they finish a phone call etc. You can give them the look "Haven't we talked about negotiating?" in a way they understand and then say "You know what I want, but decide for yourself." and let them. Maybe all their choice will do is inconvenience the house for a half hour waiting for a clean kitchen. Or perhaps they may miss out on going for a trip to ColdStone, because by the time you drive out there and back it will be too late. "We'll have to wait for another night to do that." It doesn't have to be all dramatic, just a matter of fact "meh". moment. "Kind of stinks but not the end of the world, we can do that again some other night when we have time. Maybe next week." (Trying very hard not to sing song your voice in a "I told you so" way. You don't want to be nasty.)
You can also let them know that you *are* open to negotiations -after- (or if it is regular situation tell me now -way before the situation takes place, like at a family meeting)the fact. Like- "Do whatever we ask, then come to us and let us know why your way would have been better - we can learn also." You may be surprised, they actually may come up with a better or at least a linear solution that they prefer and will do without all the drama. Who cares (really) if the end result is the same?We had this with the way we said prayers. After a while it just didn't work for the older kids and they wanted to shake up the schedule. Their plan was fine, just different, so we went with it. No biggie. Same with chores, after a while they came up with their own schedule and assignments, things they all agreed on and -again- who cares as long as it got done? In "big" issues, drugs, standards, tattoos, joining a foreign cult, etc. hopefully you have already placed in them your family standards and they wont stray too far from them. However, chose you battles. If they want to dye they hair pink point out the pros and cons and then, if you can handle it, let them dye it with a non permanent dye for a week during a school break with the understanding that it will go back to natural in time for this or that event. Tats should always be temporary (in my opinion) because as they age (if for no other reason) their body will "melt" and a "Hello Kitty" will look amazingly bad on an 80 yr. old butt. Temporary! Black nail polish won't kill anyone, again let them wear it knowing before hand when it needs to come off. "We don't want gramma thinking you have joined a rock band...she won't leave you her millions (wink wink)." Be part of their "fun" without diving in fully and drawing lines in the sand. (I had to do this with tats at our house full of boys...rubber stamp tribal bands were a norm for a while. I didn't really like it at all, but it worked us through a phase and they were always off by Sunday. It kind of takes all the fun out of the rebellion if mom's on board.)
I hope that makes sense, and yes, I'm still here! Feel free to write any time..it gets sent to my mail box so I'll get it soon. Thanks again. S'mee
(dude! that was long! sorry!)
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